Trump deploys National Guard, US Marines to Mallorca

Trump deploys National Guard, US Marines to Mallorca

By our rioting correspondent Dee Sobedience

US President Donald Trump has announced that he will be deploying the National Guard and the Marine Corps to Palma and other likely Mallorca trouble spots in advance of Sunday's planned demonstrations in favour of better housing, which our editorial staff expect (and, frankly, fervently hope, as we could use some incoming clicks from other English-language outlets) will escalate into unprecedented violence.

Trump's actions come as hundreds of thousands of European tourists are cancelling their US holiday plans in favour of somewhere closer to home. Said a White House spokesperson: "People seem to be afraid to come to America right now, so we need to make them afraid to vacation in Europe too. The President is going to level the playing field. And indeed Magaluf too."

German Chancellor Friedrich Merz was last night reported to be in crisis talks with senior figures in the Trump administration to try extract promises that no live rounds would be used in Arenal or Cala Ratjada.


Don't you point that ensaimada at me, buddy

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