Mallorca Fake News

Things are complicated and it makes my brain hurt By our resident curmudgeon, Y. O. Wye Why can't the entire population of Mallorca make up their minds about what they want? Some people say they want fewer tourists. But then some other people say they want economic growth. Some people say they want to protect the environment, and yet some people still drop litter! Honestly, I'm fed up. It's quite baffling how this could happen. Why can't almost a million people just agree on something for once? Here at Mallorca Fake News, the entire editorial staff has no trouble agreeing on when to start drinking, so it's the same principle, just scaled up a bit. Let's get the entire population of the island get together and all agree exactly on what they want. Then, and only then, can we even begin to think about doing anything to actually fix any of the problems that we face. (Is this OK? 150 words, more or less. I could murder a caña.) I agree with Nigel

Giant running shoe docks in Port Andratx By our shipping reporter, Sue Peyotte A huge running shoe has sailed into Port Andratx, to the delight of local residents, who will not have to pay IBI for the next three years because of the landing fees. It is believed to be owned by Ike Dangleberry, an American plutocrat Internet entrepreneur who last year announced his intention to trade the shoe in for a more recent model, but instead ended up doing that with his wife. The shoe has luxury sleeping accommodation for 12 guests as well as cots for the 89 crew, who sleep in three shifts. It has its own nuclear-powered submarine and is escorted by a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier. Mr Dangleberry rarely comes ashore, in case some of the estimated 1.5 billion people who have used his company's services ask him for technical support, but please remember to turn on notifications for Mallorca Fake News in case he and his fiancée do decide to sunbathe on Port Andratx's famous 10 x 8 metre beac...

New visa needed for Britons coming to Mallorca By our made-up content reporter, A. I. Slopp It has been announced that from next year, all British visitors coming to Mallorca will need a special new visa to enter. The MFUKR (Mallorca: Foreigners-from-UK Regulation) visa, as it is known, will cost €200 per person, double for children, and allow the holder to spend up to 21 days on the island. EU citizens, Americans, and all other nationalities will be exempt from the visa, which according to the voices in my head has been introduced specifically to target UK citizens, because everyone in the local government has gone absolutely stark raving mad. It is well-known that spending by British tourists on cocktails with names like "Spunky Donkey" and t-shirts saying "To Do List: Your Mum ✅" account for about 85% of Mallorca's GDP. On the seafront road in Palma Nova yesterday, we asked two British tourists, Baz from Basildon and Carl from Carlisle, what they thought abou...

 Vote in today's poll: Do you think alien abductions are a big problem in Mallorca? (The buttons don't work, but that really doesn't matter...)

90-in-180 day rule to be discussed by Trump, Putin, Zelenskyy By our European affairs correspondent, Pablo Honey Mallorca Fake News has learned that the post-Brexit rule that allows British visitors to spend no more than 90 days out of any 180 in the Schengen area will be a key item on the table at the forthcoming peace talks between US President Donald Trump, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, scheduled for Riyadh next month. A spokesman for President Putin said: "Although the three of us disagree about many things, we are united in our determination to stop British expat news outlets wanging on about this issue, just because one of their editors has a mate with a villa near Mijas that he used to basically live in full-time under the radar. Seriously, if Zelenskyy could just get the nod from Sánchez we would be able to take the place out with a Kinzhal hypersonic missile in under an hour." President Zelenskyy's spokesperson add...

Easter tourism is up! And down! By our hokey-cokey correspondent, Al Bondigas Despite the impression that we may have given in exactly half of the articles we have published on the topic for the past month, bemoaning the lack of bookings, visitor numbers to Mallorca were up this Easter. (In the other half of the articles, of course, we told you that bookings were up.) But if we squint really closely, we can see that there has been a slight drop in the number of 50 to 59 year old visitors from the Czech Republic, following a cancellation by Jan and Tereza Karbanátek of Brno due to a family funeral. If this trend were to be repeated across other age groups and countries — a possibility for which there is no evidence whatsoever, but it looks scary when we write it like that — then tourism in Mallorca could collapse, leading to riots in the streets. Which would be terrible, but it would give us something to write about. Join us tomorrow for more meaningless just-so stories about tourism nu...